Dos and don’ts for Halloween
Don’t go as a cat
To glance up from my beer and see that your Halloween costume consists of some polyester ears from Amazon and crudely drawn-on whiskers… That’s a waste of my time.
Don’t try give trick or treaters “healthy” sweets
Would you have wanted to yam down on a buckwheat energy ball at the tender age of eight? No. Kids are meant to get right fucked up on sugar on Halloween — they’re meant to be so hyper that their parents regret having them in the first place.
Don’t egg any houses
How old are you? Tsk tsk.
Do egg (many) houses
It’s quite retro, isn’t it? And it’s arguably harmless fun? If it’s between injecting heroin and egging houses… It’s going to be egging houses.
Do be tactical with what you leave out for trick or treaters
If you’re the kind of Scrooge who doesn’t want to open your door to cute children dressed as witches (been there — I had an anxious dog), you do need to be tactical with what you leave out for them. A few years back, I was naive enough to shunt a load of Haribo into a cauldron and hang it off my front gate. Obviously, it was stolen by some youths within minutes and my neighbour insisted on chasing after them. It was the best night of my life, and to this day I wish I had access to the footage of said neighbour running after a group of twelve year olds.
Do have a big ol’ think before opting for any costume that involves black face paint
It’s just a bit dodgy isn’t it? No matter how well-intentioned, if it’s something you wouldn’t want to make the rounds online (and subsequently cause you to lose your job), don’t do it.
Do have another big ol’ think before you attend the Halloween party being thrown by the guys into Warhammer at your uni
You know what, scratch that. Definitely go to the Halloween party thrown by a load of weirdos. However, be cautious with mushroom consumption. Don’t take so much that you mistake the person in the hyperrealistic Loki costume for an actual threat… It’s just a costume. He’s not real.
Don’t buy tickets for a Halloween event that more likely than not will be densely populated by freshers
If it’s being held at XOYO (or Egg) and the lineup consists of a load of DJs you’ve never heard of (who have names like someone you knew back at school), you don’t want to be there. If there’s any mention of “entertainers” (e.g. some poor woman on stilts), you really don’t want to be there.
Don’t be a racist
Self-explanatory.
Do be topical
How meta of you!
Don’t be too topical
Yeah, how “meta” of you…
Don’t scaremonger about the people who hide razor blades in sweets
You’re about two Facebook and/or Instagram posts from looking a bit like the devil worship Monster energy drink woman.
Don’t get sucked into buying loads of “fall” themed tat from TKMaxx
A pink ceramic pumpkin emblazoned with the words “HEY BOO”. A plaque that reads “HOCUS POCUS”. A 1ft statue of a cutesy vampire child… Not only are all of these things godawful, but they will quite literally outlive you. You’ll be dead and buried and this holy trifecta of tat will still be on a landfill.
Do spare your flatmates the scent of some cheap, carcinogen-heavy “smores” candle
What do you mean this candle has the scent of an “autumn sunset”?
Do suss out the vibe of whatever Halloween party you’re attending
Do bully anyone who’s not put enough effort into their costume
There’s a time and place for making someone feel bad — this is one of them. Get a bit physical with it, maybe?
Don’t take the guy in a Joker costume back to yours
Unless you want to wake up in a basement… Locked in a basement, that is. We’re aware of the dire renting situation in London. No prejudice against basement flats here.
Don’t take the guy in the Drive costume back to yours
Unless you want to wake up sans your dignity.
Don’t try to be esoteric
You’re dressed as a little known character from a 2003 arthouse film? Cool. It’s no Ali G, but… cool?
Don’t be exclusionary with your Halloween party guestlist
This one’s a callback — bloody invite the Warhammer guys.
Don’t get one of those highly flammable polyester Amazon costumes that renders (unsuccessfully) any meaningless inanimate object as “funny”
Give me a thousand words on why exactly it’s funny to dress as a Chinese takeaway box. No, really.
Don’t spend too long on Halloween-themed bakes
It will never look like the picture on Pinterest. It will look like a bucket of smashed crabs.
Do have a think before suggesting a joint costume to your situationship
Picture the scene: you’re on your hands and knees, bespoke crafting your Natalie Portman in Léon: The Professional outfit when you get that “can we talk?” text. Nervous breakdown pending.
Don’t take a load of hallucinogens
My most real and well-meaning piece of advice: a room full of objectively scary-looking people is not a “safe space”.
