Dos and don’ts for being a good England fan
Do buy two pints: one for drinking and one for throwing
Quick bit of maths for you — if you end up lobbing your singular pint in joy and/or rage, you no longer have that singular pint. The solution? Get two.
Don’t throw your pint
Don’t actually throw your pint, though. Double park by all means, but do it because you’re an absolute legend. Not because you partake in getting other people wet and sticky for the shits and giggles.
Don’t take it out on other people if we lose
On a real one, researchers at Warwick Business School found that abuse and violence by partners increased by 47% on the day England won a European Championship match… How about not doing that? Also, don’t be a racist, and don’t take it upon yourself to wreck something you associate with the Dutch. Remember, it’s just football.
Do be tactical with your toilet breaks
Would you rather miss a goal or stand at the urinals with at least five other (slightly angry) men? Decisions, decisions.
Do wear a footy shirt
The best way to be patriotic – the one that’s least veiled with slightly racist nationalism – is donning a football shirt. We like this one, that’s a collab between Aries and Umbro. It will earn you a pat on the back from an actual football punter as well as the other fashion twat that’s wearing it.
Don’t spend too much on a footy shirt
You’ve gone for one from the 1990 World Cup that’s signed by Paul Gascoigne? Sick! Have fun wrestling with the decision to buy it when we inevitably lose and the state of euphoria you’ve been experiencing comes to a thundering halt.
Don’t DM your favourite player before the game
Neither will they see it nor will they reply.
Don’t pat your mate on the back when England scores like it’s you that’s been running about on the pitch
Self-explanatory. You’re not Gareth Southgate.
Do let your significant other lust after Jude Bellingham
Football is so male-centric and masculine, it only feels right that women can indulge in being a bit horny.
Do remember that Football Factory is meant to be interpreted as a criticism of toxic masculinity rather than something to model yourselves after
Danny Dyer is cool, but violent male bravado is not.
Do leave the tactics to Gareth Southgate
We’ve kind of already done this one, but it’s something to hone in on. We don’t want to hear you and your mate talk about how they “definitely could have gone through” if they’d “been more reactive than proactive”. You bloody manage England then.
Do be selective with when you chant
It’s coming home! Well, maybe it is. It’s certainly not going to become any more likely the more times you sing it.
Do accept that you might have to watch the game at home
Worst things have happened. Famine, for example.
Don’t stand in front of the TV
Standing less than a metre from the screen doesn’t communicate that you’re an especially dedicated footy fan. It just makes you a knob that doesn’t care about obscuring the view for others.
Do party all night if England wins
As a wise man once said, YOLO.
Do prepare for the inevitable heartbreak of losing the final (if we do win)
Even if we do succeed tonight, there’s a fairly high chance that come Sunday night you’ll be experiencing something close to the worst comedown you’ve ever had.
Don’t get roped into watching it at BOXPARK
Need we explain why it’s the worst place in the world? No.
Do remember that pretty much everyone is watching the football, so there’s not really any need to document the big moments on your Instagram story
Oh, sick! Everyone jumped and cheered when England scored? Yeah, the exact same thing happened at the pub I’m at.
Do remember that, at the end of the day, it is just football
Nothing matters and we all just live on a big floating rock.
