Dos and don’ts for being a good England fan

Ahead of tonight’s semi-final between England and the Netherlands, HUNGER reminds you that it’s possible to enjoy the game (and get that teeny bit patriotic) without being a complete twat.

Do buy two pints: one for drinking and one for throwing

Quick bit of maths for you — if you end up lobbing your singular pint in joy and/or rage, you no longer have that singular pint. The solution? Get two. 

Don’t throw your pint

Don’t actually throw your pint, though. Double park by all means, but do it because you’re an absolute legend. Not because you partake in getting other people wet and sticky for the shits and giggles. 

Don’t take it out on other people if we lose

On a real one, researchers at Warwick Business School found that abuse and violence by partners increased by 47% on the day England won a European Championship match… How about not doing that? Also, don’t be a racist, and don’t take it upon yourself to wreck something you associate with the Dutch. Remember, it’s just football. 

Image Credit: Football Factory / Vertigo Films

Do be tactical with your toilet breaks

Would you rather miss a goal or stand at the urinals with at least five other (slightly angry) men? Decisions, decisions.

Do wear a footy shirt 

The best way to be patriotic – the one that’s least veiled with slightly racist nationalism – is donning a football shirt. We like this one, that’s a collab between Aries and Umbro. It will earn you a pat on the back from an actual football punter as well as the other fashion twat that’s wearing it. 

Don’t spend too much on a footy shirt 

You’ve gone for one from the 1990 World Cup that’s signed by Paul Gascoigne? Sick! Have fun wrestling with the decision to buy it when we inevitably lose and the state of euphoria you’ve been experiencing comes to a thundering halt. 

Don’t DM your favourite player before the game 

Neither will they see it nor will they reply.

Image Credit: Bend It Like Beckham / Kintop Pictures

Don’t pat your mate on the back when England scores like it’s you that’s been running about on the pitch

Self-explanatory. You’re not Gareth Southgate. 

Do let your significant other lust after Jude Bellingham 

Football is so male-centric and masculine, it only feels right that women can indulge in being a bit horny. 

Do remember that Football Factory is meant to be interpreted as a criticism of toxic masculinity rather than something to model yourselves after 

Danny Dyer is cool, but violent male bravado is not. 

Image Credit: Football Factory / Vertigo Films

Do leave the tactics to Gareth Southgate 

We’ve kind of already done this one, but it’s something to hone in on. We don’t want to hear you and your mate talk about how they “definitely could have gone through” if they’d “been more reactive than proactive”. You bloody manage England then. 

Do be selective with when you chant

It’s coming home! Well, maybe it is. It’s certainly not going to become any more likely the more times you sing it. 

Do accept that you might have to watch the game at home 

Worst things have happened. Famine, for example.

Don’t stand in front of the TV 

Standing less than a metre from the screen doesn’t communicate that you’re an especially dedicated footy fan. It just makes you a knob that doesn’t care about obscuring the view for others. 

Image Credit: Mean Machine / SKA Films

Do party all night if England wins 

As a wise man once said, YOLO. 

Do prepare for the inevitable heartbreak of losing the final (if we do win)

Even if we do succeed tonight, there’s a fairly high chance that come Sunday night you’ll be experiencing something close to the worst comedown you’ve ever had. 

Don’t get roped into watching it at BOXPARK

Need we explain why it’s the worst place in the world? No.

Do remember that pretty much everyone is watching the football, so there’s not really any need to document the big moments on your Instagram story

Oh, sick! Everyone jumped and cheered when England scored? Yeah, the exact same thing happened at the pub I’m at. 

Do remember that, at the end of the day, it is just football 

Nothing matters and we all just live on a big floating rock.

WriterAmber Rawlings
Banner Image CreditBend It Like Beckham / Kintop Pictures