Annie Lord: “Men and women often deal with heartbreak in very different ways”

When it comes to breakups and heartbreak, there are two types of people; those who let it all hang out, and those who opt to weep silently into their pillows. Thankfully for us, journalist and author Annie Lord, is the former. When Lord was suddenly broken up with by her boyfriend of five years, she wrote about the experience in a now-viral article for Vice. Documenting the aftermath, it was a raw nerve of a read as it navigated, in granular detail, each stage of grief. This confessional streak has continued in Lord’s Vogue dating column, and now in her debut novel, Notes on Heartbreak, where she dissects the aforementioned relationship and its breakdown. 

“I’m giving a lot because I’ve had a positive reaction,” she tells HUNGER. “It would be really horrible if I was being so vulnerable and people were being critical of it. It’s like on Love Island where they’re really scared of dropping their walls. I’ve opened up, but the response has been affirming, so I’m keeping them down.” But as much as Lord’s writing serves those who can relate to the horrors of dating apps and shagging mates, she writes first and foremost for herself. The book and the column, she says, has allowed her to get over the relationship, process her emotions, and break unhelpful patterns. 

Here, HUNGER chats to the author about the importance of taking heartbreak seriously and why men and women, typically, deal with it so differently. 

One thing that really stuck out to me is how comfortable you are writing about sex and relationships. Was this always the case for you? 

It’s weird, I don’t actually talk about sex with my parents. My mum is very caring when it comes to my relationships, but we don’t speak about anything graphic… There’s no shame involved, though, and I would say they’re generally sex-positive. Also, I think I’m naturally quite an oversharer. Two minutes into a conversation, I’ll be telling someone something embarrassing about a date. It’s kind of like a cheat, but saying something confessional and vulnerable makes people warm to you. I love writing stuff that seems out there and embarrassing, but makes people feel more seen and less alone. My personal way of interacting with people definitely bleeds into my writing, one hundred per cent. 

There’s definitely something karmic going on. You wrote a viral essay about the breakup right as it was happening, which then led to your Vogue dating column, and then a book deal. How did you decide on the subject of the book?

There was honestly nothing else I would have been able to write about as I was literally going through it at the time. I had tunnel vision focus on the breakup. I mean, I was still writing it when I had slept with him in the book.

Did you find it helpful when it came to getting over it at all? 

It was helpful when it came to me processing it, but say if I was writing a scene where I was angry, I would suddenly become irate again… It was weird to drop back into that, I’d have to go for a walk or something [laughs]. But I was working out how I felt about what happened as I was going, like previous arguments became way more clear to me, so in that sense, the book really helped me get over the actual breakup. When the relationship ended, it’s such a cliche, but I ended up writing a 3000-word long love letter to him. Even though I knew it wouldn’t help us get back together, I wanted to write something that was a testament to what we had before we started to move on and forget each other. The book evolved out of that feeling, but in writing it, yeah, it helped me get over it more than anything else. It was a really pivotal relationship in my life but one that I am so glad is finished. 

Throughout the book, you reference other writers and thinkers, like Maggie Nelson on topics like love, loss and grief. What was your thought process behind that? 

Part of it was because when it happened, I was reading a lot of books about heartbreak, and they didn’t take it as seriously as I felt. I thought that referencing other people was almost like validating it and giving it depth — like, ‘look there’s science behind this!’ Another part of it was that I was just trying to make sense of these complicated feelings, and referring to people who knew more than me allowed me to see things in a different way. So I wanted to share all the different things that helped me understand how I was feeling, hoping that other people would gain something from them too. 

What did you learn about cliches when it comes to heartbeat? Within society, it almost seems like men and women are given different scripts on how to act, and it’s echoed in pretty much every rom-com out there… 

I think I noticed how most cliches are kind of true, and they’re true because so many people have said them over time. It’s just that classic thing that when you’re going through heartbreak, it all starts to make sense; like the really obvious lyrics in songs where someone’s singing about their heart feeling like a fist or something. When I was writing the book, I wanted to bury down into those cliches as much as possible and really make sense of what they mean and where they came from in terms of men and women. From experience, it does often seem like men and women do deal with heartbreak in very different ways. Every time I look at a male friend who’s heartbroken, they just seem fine. I guess a lot of it is them not processing or talking about it to get closure, but that’s why a lot of the time they seem to come back around and want to give it another go. But yeah, I think that women go through this horrendous year where we’re just sobbing, getting too drunk and embarrassing ourselves, but then at the end of that year, it does feel like something is closed and over. I’d rather pick that because I think men must have all these ghosts floating around in their minds. 

Absolutely, in Notes on Heartbreak and your Vogue dating column, there is definitely the sense that you’re giving a bit of yourself to the reader, which is lovely! Do you have any fears about being so open and honest with the public? 

Sometimes, it does feel weird when someone brings up something specific I’ve written. To be honest, though, I’m giving a lot because I’ve had a positive reaction. It feels okay. I think it would be really horrible if I was being so vulnerable and people were being critical of it, or were calling me out for being a horrible person. It’s like on Love Island where they’re really scared of dropping their walls. I’ve opened up, but the response has been affirming, so I’m keeping them down. 

There’s so much in popular culture about walls, when to put them up, when to take them down. Your take is refreshingly breezy. 

I’ve been thinking about this recently. I’ve always watched reality TV when there are loads of people on it saying they have walls, and they find it hard to trust people. There’s always been that narrative in rom coms too, but then, in real life, when you meet someone you like, it’s impossible, you just automatically do it. I don’t think my walls have gone up, but now, I’m more wary and cynical because of the current dating climate and if someone says certain things… It’s so depressing. I want to think that I’ll always be very hopeful and trusting and open, but maybe people do just get to a point where they become broken down. Then again, that’s when they always meet someone! That’s just the way it works; you have to be at that point where you don’t care anymore and you become this slightly mysterious aloof person. 

I 100% agree, it always happens like that and it’s so frustrating that you have to hit that point where you don’t ever want to go through it again. How do you think the work you do has impacted your own dating life?

It’s good and bad. I think it’s been really helpful in the way it’s helped me work out a lot of issues. It’s almost like I’m journaling and working out how I’m thinking. And I’ve recognised so many unhealthy patterns in the way I view relationships, and how I can put men onto pedestals and romanticise them loads in a way that almost becomes dehumanising.  

It’s a great way to spot patterns. 

Yep. Liking people that don’t like me, and all those classic things… And I think when you see the pattern, the next time you are doing it, it feels less enticing. In that way, it’s been helpful, but in other ways, it’s complicated. For a while, I was seeing someone, and I wrote about it in the column, and he was fine with it. But it was also weird because he was finding out what I was thinking about him in real-time. It’s different if it’s a boyfriend perhaps, but I don’t know if I want someone to know that I like them that much, or that it was a big deal that I managed to get a good night’s sleep next to him. That is quite a lot to give away and I think it did complicate things a little bit. It’s difficult because dating is so rubbish now that it’s hard to see what’s going on. Like when someone doesn’t text me back, I’m just like, they must have googled me! But no it’s just men being rubbish at texting back. 

Have you enacted any boundaries? 

The only boundary I’ve put in place is to not write about someone I like before asking them. I’m still working out if I need more, to be honest. I actually haven’t gone on many dates in a while, I think my last was before Christmas. With the column, I thought there would be so much pressure on me to make sure there were loads of exciting things happening in my life like sleeping with a footballer or a married man. But it’s actually fine that a lot of it is me talking about not dating rather than dating because that more accurately reflects people’s lives anyway so it does take the pressure off. 

Absolutely. Changing tack, what do you think are some of the biggest mistakes people make when speaking to someone who’s just broken up or experiencing heartbreak? 

The one thing that I found upsetting was when people were like ‘Don’t worry, you’ll be fine and you’ll forget about him.’ I just remember thinking that that was my biggest fear; that in order to get over someone, you have to forget about them. That was really painful for me. But as time went on, I realised that you can’t forget someone that you spent such a significant amount of time with. They inform so much about how you are as a person, like what restaurants you like or how late you’ll work into the evening… So they’re kind of in you in a way and that’s really nice. I feel like I learned so much from my ex, and I’m glad that he taught me things and vice versa. It makes it easier to eventually let go of the idea of getting back together. I don’t know if everyone finds that comforting, but personally, I did, because I was scared of feeling like those five years had just gone down the drain. They’re not wasted years, you enjoyed that time and it doesn’t go anywhere. 

Absolutely. It’s horrible to think of that time as being lost and wasted. Alternatively, I feel like some people struggle when it comes to saying the “right” thing to a mate that is in the throes of a breakup. Do you have any dos and don’ts?

It’s weird because you feel a need to take on an active role where you’re listing all the reasons why the ex is terrible and other prescriptive advice, but the only thing you can do is just be there. This could mean sitting with them while they’re crying down the phone, or turning up at their house with food. I think people want to feel that their pain is being witnessed and taken seriously. I remember people telling me that I looked better or seemed to be doing better during my breakup and that just made me annoyed because I then felt really alone with what I was experiencing. Just being like: ‘God, I’m so sorry, you must feel terrible’ is comforting. So yeah, emphasising and sitting with them in that bad feeling, when they want you there, is the best way to handle it.