Dos and don’ts for NYE

Do play it by ear

Just like Crimbo, a night like New Year’s is best if you chill out and just go with the flow. I don’t have anything else to add because it’s really that simple. 

Do go to the house party organised by a guy you met at the club a few nights ago

This would fall under the caveat of playing it by ear. Yes it looks kind of lame and yes the instruction to “bring a USB” implies there’ll be a lot of amateur DJs in action, but you also might be the ostensible guests of honour? And that’s a pretty good way to start 2025. 

Don’t watch the hootenanny 

We can thank Peep Show for the most salient piece of New Year’s advice, perhaps ever? You never watch the hootenanny. You’re better than the hootenanny. 

Do watch the hootenanny 

Bob Mortimer is probably in the audience and Paloma Faith is definitely performing her new single which no one’s heard of. If you’re at home, why the fuck not? 

Don’t peak too early 

I’m writing this as I polish off a pint at only 3pm so it’s already not looking good for me. Reaching midnight might be overrated, though. 

Do peak too early 

Fuck it. What happens at midnight other than a major feeling of existential dread brought on by the fact that you’ve got to do this all over again, and it’s probably not going to get much better. Maybe you’ll snog someone, I guess? Either way, already being passed out before the bell dongs doesn’t sound too bad. 

Don’t get bogged down with the idea of a New Year’s kiss 

Got a boyfriend? Cool. I’m sure a stilted kiss with him at midnight will make you start thinking about whether the two of you will even survive 2025. Single? Kissing some ugly lad at the bar won’t make you feel any better. Taking him back to yours won’t either. 

Don’t shill out a load of cash for a sub-average event 

I’ve never heard of this venue before and you have to get a forty-five Uber to get there, but surely it will be alright? It won’t. You’d be better off watching the hootenanny. 

Do be careful if you’re letting off some fireworks 

It wouldn’t be too fun to start off 2025 with a melted-off face. 

Do make “last year” jokes 

Don’t like them? Think they’re dumb? Lighten up. We’re on a floating rock. 

Do take stay in and take psychedelics

Pop a 2CB and watching reruns of the gameshow The Wall (presented by none other than Danny Dyer) becomes something of a transcendental experience. 

Don’t stay in and take psychedelics

When the clocks hit midnight, the fireworks begin to go off and the local children take to your street, all giggles and screaming… That’s actually quite scary. 

Don’t have a big domestic with your boyfriend the night before 

I spent the whole of the celebrations two years back crying in the garden of someone’s house because my boyfriend told me he was moving out the previous night. I have vivid memories of people inside peeping around the curtain to see if I was still there weeping and whether it was safe to come outside. I think it was only okay to do so when I actually left the party. 

Don’t go too hard on the local lager at what’s meant to be a “chilled hog roast” 

Same night. Obviously. 

Don’t stay in and play a board game with the boyfriend you had a domestic with the previous year

It’s obviously going to be depressing and it’s most definitely the catalyst for him breaking up with you mere days later. 

Do have a whale of a time

… Yeah! Ignore all of the above. I’m sure it’s going to be a good night. Stay safe. Don’t leave your drinks unattended. Don’t take the mysterious powder from the guy with the buzz cut at the club.