The seriously good-looking serial killer who is very serious about skincare. Written down that looks, um, weird, right? Though very much the case for the searing social satire American Psycho, adapted from Bret Easton Ellis’ novel of the same name. Aside from the obvious – a critique of masculinity, commentary on conspicuous consumption in the 1980s, exploring modern man’s lust for power and status -murderous Manhattan businessman Patrick Bateman was obsessive over his vanity regime in the morning. Which comprised of ice-packs, cleansers, almond body scrubs, protective lotion and more.
The opening scene (which you can watch in full below) introduced us to his next-level vanity routine: “I live in the American Gardens Building on W. 81st Street on the 11th floor. My name is Patrick Bateman. I’m 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning if my face is a little puffy I’ll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 1000 now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion.”
And that’s the edited version. Yes, really. In Bret Easton Ellis’ 1991 novel, Bateman’s beauty tell-all is far more exhaustive than the film version (two pages in fact – hair care is two paragraphs alone). Are you ready?
“I tie a plastic ice pack around my face and commence with the morning’s stretching exercises.”
“Afterwards I stand in front of a chrome and acrylic Washmobile bathroom sink – with soap dish, cup holder, and railings that serve as towel bars, which I bought at Hastings Tile to use while the marble sinks I ordered from Finland are being sanded – and stare at my reflection with the ice pack still on.”
“I pour some Plax antiplaque formula into a stainless-steel tumbler and swish it around my mouth for thirty seconds.”
“Then I squeeze Rembrandt onto a faux- tortoiseshell toothbrush and start brushing my teeth (too hung over to floss properly – but maybe I flossed before bed last night?) and rinse with Listerine.”
“Then I inspect my hands and use a nailbrush.”
“I take the ice-pack mask off and use a deep-pore cleanser lotion”
“Then an herb-mint facial masque which I leave on for ten minutes while I check my toenails.”
“Then I use the Probright tooth polisher and next the Interplak tooth polisher (this in addition to the toothbrush) which has a speed of 4200 rpm and reverses direction forty-six times per second; the larger tufts clean between teeth and massage the gums while the short ones scrub the tooth surfaces.”
“I rinse again, with Cepacol. I wash the facial massage off with a spearmint face scrub.”
“In the shower I use first a water-activated gel cleanser, then a honey-almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub.”
“Vidal Sassoon shampoo is especially good at getting rid of the coating of dried perspiration, salts, oils, airborne pollutants and dirt that can weigh down hair and flatten it to the scalp which can make you look older.The conditioner is also good – silicone technology permits conditioning benefits without weighing down the hair which can also make you look older.”
“On weekends or before a date I prefer to use the Greune Natural Revitalizing Shampoo, the conditioner and the Nutrient Complex. These are formulas that contain D-panthenol, a vitamin-B-complex factor; polysorbate 80, a cleansing agent for the scalp; and natural herbs.”
“Over the weekend I plan to go to Bloomingdale’s or Bergdorf’s and on Evelyn’s advice pick up a Foltene European Supplement and Shampoo for thinning hair which contains complex carbohydrates that penetrate the hair shafts for improved strength and shine. Also the Vivagen Hair Enrichment Treatment, a new Redken product that prevents mineral deposits and prolongs the life cycle of hair. Luis Carruthers recommended the Aramis Nutriplexx system, a nutrient complex that helps increase circulation.”
“Once out of the shower and toweled dry I put the Ralph Lauren boxers back on and before applying the Mousse A Raiser, a shaving cream by Pour Hommes, I press a hot towel against my face for two minutes to soften abrasive beard hair.”
“Then I always slather on a moisturizer (to my taste, Clinique) and let it soak in for a minute. You can rinse it off or keep it on and apply a shaving cream over it – preferably with a brush, which softens the beard as it lifts the whiskers – which I’ve found makes removing the hair easier.Leave the sideburns and chin for last, since these whiskers are tougher and need more time to soften. Rinse the razor and shake off any excess water before starting.”
“Afterwards splash cool water on the face to remove any trace of lather. You should use an aftershave lotion with little or no alcohol. Never use cologne on your face, since the high alcohol content dries your face out and makes you look older. One should use an alcohol-free antibacterial toner with a water-moistened cotton ball to normalize the skin.”
“Applying a moisturizer is the final step. Splash on water before applying an emollient lotion to soften the skin and seal in the moisture.”
“Next apply Gel Appaisant, also made by Pour Hommes, which is an excellent, soothing skin lotion. If the face seems dry and flaky – which makes it look dull and older – use a clarifying lotion that removes flakes and uncovers fine skin (it can also make your tan look darker).”
“Then apply an anti-aging eye balm (Baume Des Yeux) followed by a final moisturizing “protective” lotion.”
“A scalp-programming lotion is used after I towel my hair dry. I also lightly blow-dry the hair to give it body and control (but without stickiness) and then add more of the lotion, shaping it with a Kent natural- bristle brush, and finally slick it back with a wide-tooth comb.”
