Our pop-culture predictions for 2025 (not a joke)

Wearing football scarves around your head is banned 

One of those nitty boys who wears an Aries football scarf around their head (often over their hat) will commit some kind of atrocity and the whole look will be banned. Said nitty boys will then kick off about being “discriminated” against, akin to that time Jess Glynn went to Sexy Fish and got upset because she wasn’t allowed in wearing a hoody. 

Shit gastropubs come back

With old-fashioned, authentic boozers fully appropriated and attracting even the most entry-level of the annoying Londoners, tastemakers will turn to venues run by people with tattoo sleeves not made up of stick and pokes. Not The Devonshire kind of gastropub, but the kind with a lot of sage green wood panelling. 

Sabrina Carpenter promotes celibacy 

A bit like when The Jonas Brothers were all about their purity rings, Sabrina Carpenter will do a full one eighty with her image and tell her mostly teenage audience not to do some “freaky positions”, but wait ‘til marriage. 

Club Chalamet retires 

Whether it’s because she has some kind of Timothee-induced episode or she just gets sick of being told she looks like Kamala Harris, Simone is going to sign off.

Moodeng eats a child

Moodeng’s already-dwindling popularity leads the Khao Kheow Open Zoo to offer up some kind of experience where the baby hippo sits on your lap. She eats a child. The New York Times publishes a viral thinkpiece that essentially says we’re to blame. 

Kylie Jenner has baby number three

… But it’s not Timothee’s. It’s then revealed that their relationship was all part of the mental press circuit for A Complete Unknown. 

Kylie Jenner releases music 

Following on from the aforementioned, Jenner becomes a kind of esoteric Gen Z darling and releases a single that’s received in the same way as Addison Rae’s music. 

One of Kneecap gets their arse out at the Oscars

Given the Irish-language film has been shortlisted for two Academy Award nominations, this one isn’t actually out of the question. Brits out! 

HS Tikky Tokky becomes a born again Christian

No matter your views on the Christian faith, it’s got to be preferable to being a homophobic, misogynistic goblin of O Beach. 

The second installment of Wicked gets cancelled due to irreconcilable differences between Ariana Grande and Cynthia Erivo 

Whether that’s because their intense relationship was a complete facade or they’re actual ex-lovers, we don’t know. Samaritans launches a special helpline for people who did GCSE drama. 

The holding space woman goes on Chicken Shop Date 

Unfunny and/or boring people will think it’s hilarious. 

Elvis turns out to not be dead

Conspiracy theorists around the world rise up and say they have, in fact, been onto something, and as a result the flat earth movement takes off. 

Zoë Kravitz and Channing Tatum get back together

It’s well publicised, however, that they’re now in an ethically non-monogamous relationship. They go on The Drew Barrymore Show and it’s all a bit touchy-feely, even for Drew Barrymore. 

Taylor Swift announces a hologram tour

The pop-singer emerges (as a hologram) at Abba Voyage and announces that she’ll be playing every single city in the world over a two week period… as a bit of rendered light. 

Dua Lipa retires from music and starts some kind of adaptogenic mushroom business 

One strain gets recalled because it has slight hallucinogenic effects. She has to apologise on Newsnight. 

Schooner Scorer falls off his Lime bike and is hospitalised for six months 

Here’s hoping, anyway. 

Thomas Straker butchers an actual human

As the final part of his butter series, the posh chef turns to cannibalism. He makes a delicious stew with creamy mash — not everyone is opposed. 

Stevie Wonder turns out to not be blind 

Again, the flat earth movement gains a few more followers as a consequence. 

Aliens come to earth

The vibiest one becomes a kind of celebrity and is offered a residency at The Cause. He mostly plays gabber. Pitchfork are obsessed with him. He does a NPR Music Tiny Desk Concert in December that’s described as “the first of its kind”. Loads of people quote tweet that and are like “well, er, obviously”. 

The Chelsea Life Jacket crowd turns out to be a cult 

That video they made for carni turns out to have a load of subliminal messaging in it and Schooner Scorer is revealed as the cult’s leader.